It hit me, over again and over. Realizations, the pain, the disgust. It knocks out your breath and drowns you with all consuming insight. Things you don’t want to know, want to feel. I’m talking about the human condition.
Overlooking people’s darkness and giving them the chance to see true light. Hoping on their own they would want to show their light, assuming first there is anything to show. But my assumptions have been way off.
The total disappointment from so many, one after another after another. Hope becomes hopeless. I see no light in anyone anymore. I’m done giving mine away so freely. Every time you share your inner light it comes back blackened worse than before. This is why the disgust. You’ve seen too much darkness in people to believe there is light in anyone.
You start to question your own light, doubting its mere existence. Have I ever been this dark to someone? Never! I would never do what has been done to myself to anyone. To even have to doubt yourself is giving the darkness power.
Sometimes I wish I could though; be blackened. Why not just be that way? Just let go and give into the darkness. As they say treat others the way they treat you, am I wrong?
The heart feels hardened over. I refuse to give out what I have never been given the decency to receive, by anyone. I will save whatever light I have left, I do not want to show it again, waste it on the wasted. It will take a long time to let someone see any glimpse of it. That person would have to be something fucking pretty special.
The disappointment has hit hard like a tidal wave. I have come to the realization; I cannot be humane to those humans who are not humane to me. I have become as strong as a rock, inside is where I will keep the light, and when the next wave of darkness hits, it will be the one to break.