The sound of the train as I lay here. The deafening warning as it passes by. The engine so exact in its timing. Steel burning steel. One train after another. For years I’ve grown use to this sound, it’s become soothing as I fall into sleep. It reminds me of all the chaos in my life. The deafening warning of gut feelings about people I’ve ignored when I should have listened. The calculating exact timing to display their negativity. The feeling of my heart and soul burning like steel upon steel with the realization of their dark intentions. One negative person after another. For years I have now grown use to this and though it is not soothing to fall asleep to, I can fall asleep at night even with all the loud deafening chaos they’ve created. To all the dark ones! Like the train, I have learned to drown out your sound, and I can fall asleep at night.
It hit me, over again and over. Realizations, the pain, the disgust. It knocks out your breath and drowns you with all consuming insight. Things you don’t want to know, want to feel. I’m talking about the human condition.
Overlooking people’s darkness and giving them the chance to see true light. Hoping on their own they would want to show their light, assuming first there is anything to show. But my assumptions have been way off.
The total disappointment from so many, one after another after another. Hope becomes hopeless. I see no light in anyone anymore. I’m done giving mine away so freely. Every time you share your inner light it comes back blackened worse than before. This is why the disgust. You’ve seen too much darkness in people to believe there is light in anyone.
You start to question your own light, doubting its mere existence. Have I ever been this dark to someone? Never! I would never do what has been done to myself to anyone. To even have to doubt yourself is giving the darkness power.
Sometimes I wish I could though; be blackened. Why not just be that way? Just let go and give into the darkness. As they say treat others the way they treat you, am I wrong?
The heart feels hardened over. I refuse to give out what I have never been given the decency to receive, by anyone. I will save whatever light I have left, I do not want to show it again, waste it on the wasted. It will take a long time to let someone see any glimpse of it. That person would have to be something fucking pretty special.
The disappointment has hit hard like a tidal wave. I have come to the realization; I cannot be humane to those humans who are not humane to me. I have become as strong as a rock, inside is where I will keep the light, and when the next wave of darkness hits, it will be the one to break.
The storm never pretended what it was. It couldn’t hide what it is from anyone. Why would it want to? The storm cannot hide its thunder, lightning or its rain, it cannot hide its wind or its wrath. But again, why would it want to? The beauty of the storm with all its power cannot pretend to be anything other than what it is. Why should it have to? It doesn’t; the storm is honest and clear in its motives. The storm with all the energy it has cannot and refuses to be anything but what it is; and what it is, is pure raw beautiful electric energy. It’s a combination of all the right elements coming together to create the perfect power.People accept it or they move out of its path. But the storm gives warning signs. It gives those a choice to get out of its way, or stay.
It doesn’t lie, it doesn’t pretend; because it doesn’t have to. There is beauty in the truth of it. But the ones who can’t accept or understand that beautiful truth run and hide like cowards. The ones who accept this storm get to stay and witness it and all its amazing power and truth. Who wouldn’t want to be a witness to that? Someone who can’t handle the raw beautiful truth. But the storm doesn’t care, it moves on and those who witness it and stay are the lucky ones who feel the energy. For the storm will not pretend what it is for anyone or anything; and why should it have to?
Life; ever changing, always evolving. The hardest part is when you get comfortable with a situation that stays the same for a long period of time. It feels familiar, safe, routine. These are the parts of life we don’t want to change because they significantly make things worth getting up for every morning. Kissing the one you feel so deeply for and knowing they feel the same. A long talk with a friend every night proving you truly give a shit. Meeting a group of people and getting to work on an amazing project you wish would never end because the times you share were memorable and some of the best times.But life has other plans for you. It can take these amazing life expirences and turn them into something of a horror film where you can feel your guts being tore from the inside out. It takes you away from your comfort zone, your happy place. It can ruin amazing times and memories in just seconds. Life can be a bitch like that. Life has to remind you not to get comfortable. That there are hard lessons to learn in order for you to grow as a person. Accepting change is so hard when things were going so well for so long. It brings a sense of dred and a fear of the unknown. Having no control of this new present moment your mind races with the question of what the fuck just happened? The person you talked to for months just quits talking to you. Your project with your amazing new friends comes to an end. Someone you love dies. There are so many painful scenerios. But one thing is for sure, life can and will change drastically without a moments notice and it doesn’t give a fuck if it changes your good times. Life is teaching you constantly as a reminder of who is in control; and it sure as hell isn’t you! But the one thing you can control is the way you deal with the changes. You can wallow in the pain forever if you chose. Or you can look at it as a hard lesson learned and put on your shit kickers and show it you can take whatever it dishes out. If you chose the later you can grow in so many ways you never thought. The change then becomes metaphorically a metomorphosis. Changing you into someone completely new. Someone with more life lessons, more maturity, more clarity than the person you just transistioned from. Lately I have gone through this metamorphosis and I’m not fully on the other side yet, but when I am done with this transition I know there will be another one waiting in time to take me from who I am today into something even greater over time; and so now I live in the present moment of this new found clarity and wait for the next big metamorphosis.
Naked; physically and metaphorically. Water from the shower drenches my body and soul. Sitting with head in hands contemplating life and humanity as the warmth of the water surrounds me. Emotions being thrown around like a lynx with its prey. Some how every contemplation of these thoughts makes me feel completely insane. The things people can do to another sits heavy in my core. Never fathoming what makes others tick. Knowing my emotions are suffering from the cause of others, and struggling as to not let it in. It’s a balancing act of intellect. Making your mind strong is the lesson I think I’ve been dealt. Trying to perceive to the outside world that everything is dealable. When inside I’m consealing the architecture of pure pain that is instilled inside; trapped forever in my mind. Trying to find solace in anything, that’s when I feel most unstable. Walking the wire of happiness and horror is a fine line as I try desperately to stay on the positive side of that very line and to not lose myself in the process. When the strength of the mind begins to build that’s when darkness tries it’s hardest to not let it, the darkness feeds off the strength of negative thoughts. As to protect my mind I burry the things that I have to deal with and trying to find the positive in my current condition is mentally daunting. There are good humans though and they have restored some of my lost faith in humanity, where as the darkness of humanity comes in abundance and try’s to outweigh the good. I’ve seen people give in freely to the darkness and spread it around like an outbreak of an incurable disease. Though the truly beautiful humans seem to have found a cure for this disease, bringing light to the ones destroyed by those who bring hurt and destruction. Knowing these people exist helps me to walk a bit closer to the positive side of that mental line, not letting the dark ones bring me to the depths of mental hell. These beautiful humans with beautiful souls do exist and as I sit here water drenching my naked body and soul, these beautiful humans continue to bring positivity and that gives a slight smirk to my recently over prosessed brain. This light is where I want my mind to live. Never more giving Power to the negative darkness of humanity; but only allowing the right ones in. The beautiful ones.
Laying here wondering where we stand. The many thoughts that race through my mind that I still have no answers for. I know one thing for sure is that we both have two different views on what we want out of this. I do know which direction I eventually want to see in the end. As much as I try to move slowly I find myself racing to that end. I don’t want to keep living like that, I want to enjoy the moment of the build up, but right now I feel the foundation isn’t very strong on your end. I’m not sure if it’s me pushing too hard but now I feel the need to back off. You have said many of times you like me and you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t, but to me those words hold no substance as your actions speak volumes to those words. I feel all the effort is on my end and your lack of effort is proof of the substance less words spoken. See you can tell people all day what you think they want to hear but in the end the observations of the truth always pierce through that vail. To appeas someone in the moment and just drag them along until you find what you’re really looking for shows me who you really are as a person. I do not want to be a fill in girl to keep you content until you find what you truly want. Let me go now if that is the case! Because that is what I’m seeing out of this. I see false promises for just your moments pleasure. You know how much I have going on in my life already and that I cannot take any more pain. So if you are here leading me along just let me go so the attachment for me isn’t worse. If that is not the case please let me know but show me the proof don’t just speak hollow words. For I am not a hollow person, there are no spaces in me for these empty words. I am full of love, a giving, caring person and who I want to spend my life with should have these qualities as well. All I care about is one person sticking it out to the end. Me being there for them and them knowing they can count on me and that I am getting that same respect from them in return. The same comfort in knowing I can trust and ensure that person cares and puts in the effort to be in my life and anything less is unacceptable to me, so in saying that I am willing to walk away until I can find that kind of love, even if I have to search for eternity.
Well she had a heart once. In her mind it was the biggest heart of all. Full of love, compassion, caring, and enough emotions to fill the deepest trench known to man. She would give her heart freely. See this is where the problem began. She gave her love genuinely and in return she thought that love would be returned in the same capacity. For to this day it has never been proven true. Her first love, she was only thirteen as was he. They spent hours on the phone and this was also her very first kiss. 💋 What was this feeling she was feeling inside? Her heart has never felt like this before and it was addicting. The rush of adrenaline when she heard his voice, seen his face, felt his kiss. She felt it in her very soul. Though these feelings would forever change. This boy who claimed to love her had chosen another. She was an older girl and had a car, definitely not better in the looks department but this is what he chose over her love. She felt betrayed, cold, broken and emotionally withdrawn. Just trying to understand; her self doubt started to fill her mind. Consuming her every thought with the question of why? Was she not good enough, rich enough, or beautiful enough? Because she knew her heart was big enough; Goddamitt!!
This is when the first scar left its deep mark. As time passed she found another, she gave her heart again, but again to no avail her love was refused and her heart given another scar. The cycle of self doubt started again with no true answers, and this seemed to be the hardest most painful part. She tried again and again for love and the deceit and lies that came with it were worse with each one. Every time she managed to pick up her shattered heart to find small pieces of it missing each time.
So she decided to be alone for a long while, as to deal with the heartbreak. Finding meaningless relationships to fill the void. But along came a spider, one filled with poison. He disguised himself as a beautiful butterfly. With her darkened heart all she wanted to feel was the feeling she felt when her heart had never been more alive. For in her fragile state she mistaken this boy for a man. He was a collector of hearts and in a jar is where he kept them. Her heart to be the next in the collection of many.
Her judgment was clouded and diluted with the one thing she wanted to feel most. So she gave him her already broken heart, and well he did what most poisonous spiders do. He poisoned her heart, mind and soul slowly over time. Feeding off of her pure energy. It was addicting to him like love was for her. She was to never be the same again. All his promises broken, he said he would fix her already broken heart and it was a blatant lie. He took it for his selfish need. Left empty and hollow she hates herself for trusting ever again. Hopeless in love and heartless to her core; wondering to this very day if true love really exists and if there is a real man on this whole damn earth who can bring her back to life?